Fears

So, I haven't really voiced any of this before today, so just bear with me... First, this pregnancy has been really wierd for me.  I don't feel like I have been really that connected to this baby yet and I believe it stems from fears that I am trying to face... First, when I first found out I was pregnant (it was a Wednesday) and I was only about 3 1/2 weeks.  And once again, it happened so quickly that I was very disbelieving, yet, it was real.  However, that following day, I found out that my cousin had miscarried.  She was 14 weeks.  I tried not to panic about that, but that weekend, I started spotting making ME freak out that I was going to miscarry as well.  So, I waited a few days, took another pregnancy test (or 3 - whatever) and they were all positive.  So, it was still all good.  A couple weeks later (before I saw the doctor for the first time), I was spotting a little bit again, causing more stress and anxiety, but the tests still said positive.  When I went to the doc for the first time, she said this was normal, I was still pregnant and not to stress about it because that will just make it worse.  So, I tried not to stress about it, but getting to that 14 week mark was a real bitch.  I mean - it was really stressful and nerve wracking.  But, I finally made it around Thanksgiving and WHEW! A few weeks free of that kind of stress.  Things were going pretty good - except for work which was killing me - stressing me to the max with working late, keeping me from my husband and daughter, etc.  THEN comes December.

 One of my co-workers' wives delivered their baby at 26 weeks.  She was 1 lb 11 oz.  Made me freak out slightly, but I thought "no sweat - this one is staying put! I'm am blessed!"  About a week later, another friend of mine delivered twins at just shy of 26 weeks.  They were both under 2 lbs.  They lost one of them.  At the end of November, another friend was hospitalized at 26 weeks with her first.  Luckily, they were able to stop her contractions and her little guy stayed in to reach full term.  At 22 weeks, I had my first real contractions, brought on by stress from work and working a 36 hour stretch with less than 2 hours of sleep.  Really made me freak out.  I have been having real contractions (with a LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions) several times a week since, but nothing the doctor is worried about because they are not steady.  Needless to say, this 26 week mark has now been absolutely terrifying to me.  I have been having nightmares about having this baby at 26 weeks or earlier.  Now I have made it this far... I am hoping that once this week is over, a huge portion of this anxiety that I have been feeling will melt away and I will be able to get on with enjoying the rest of this pregnancy and bonding with the new Little Lumsden.

 Here is a photo from today.  Our 26 week mark.  Let's hope we make it to the 36 week mark! :)